My husband thinks I’m gorgeous. He says I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m sexy. He says he adores me. He tells me all the time. There is no lack. I don’t believe he is telling me a lie. He really believes so.
Even when he tells me, I am sometimes surprised. I am always like, “Really?” He is really sweet. I don’t think of myself in those ways often, I just think of myself as me. I’ve struggled with self consciousness issues most of my life and it wasn’t until late college-post college that I found a strong sense of confidence. But not because I found it, but because I found my identity in Jesus Christ and realized that how I look and what I like would indeed be appreciated by the man God would send to marry me. I am beautiful because the Creator of the universe says I am. That makes it true regardless of who agrees, including my own self.
So yea, I felt pretty blah when guys I liked weren’t looking for a girl like me. Or women around me suggested that if I would just change this or wear that then maybe guys would be interested more. (Don’t get me wrong, I had suitors! lol). Wear more skirts, wear more dresses, try a little makeup, change your hair, do this, do that. For some girls, that kind of thing is exciting and helpful. For me, it only added to the heap of lies in my mind that who I am didn’t stand up to the standard needed to be married or dated.
Well boy oh boy did Jesus bust that lie UP!
I met my now husband, when I was wearing khaki cargo shorts, crazy striped socks up to my knee, high top sneakers, a purple “I Love DC” shirt, and wild locs in my hair. I was 100% my authentic self that day if I ever was!
And to my huge surprise, i found out later, he thought I was amazing. Why was i surprised? Because many people around me made me feel like guys only want a certain style of girl. So of course when I saw Eric I figured he already had a girl or would want one of those types I’d see around me.
But he wanted me. The athletic, eccentric, borderline hippy, no make up wearing me. I didn’t think he would. God taught me a lesson that day and every day since. A huge one.
I think I ended up telling this story only to get to my point: Since pregnancy, my body image has been tricky.
One day I’ll feel perfectly fine and another day I’m fully aware of how much weight I want to lose. Or how I can’t fit into any of my old jeans. Yes, I know I just had a child and moms gain weight during pregnancy. I know all the right answers and responses to all of my doubts, but it doesn’t change how I feel sometimes.
Everyday there is a new victory or a new war. I am aware that this is my chapter in life. This is where I am and I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change it because some of the most significant growth in my life has happened in this chapter of my life. When I talk about significant growth, I am talking about what’s important and what’s not. The people in my life, and making sure they know how I feel about them, forgiveness, fighting, running, jumping, writing, being completely honest and authentic.
There are depths and heights I’ve never known until now. And I embrace them.
So yea. I’m having tricky thoughts about my body today but tomorrow is always different. Neither God nor my husband allow me to stay too long in that deceiving place.
And I am grateful.